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I really want to stress to you, from someone that has a lot of issues, that your self worth should never be belittled and you deserve to be picky.
This year has had its fair share of negatives. But one of the most considerable silverlings to 2020 is that it’s provided us with time. Something that I know for most of us was a luxury before. So, the question was, how were we going to spend all of this newfound freedom? Some of us completed ‘Couch to 5K’, some people perfected their banana bread recipe and a lot of us redownloaded all of our dating apps. I know for definite that back in March, I was not the only person redesigning my Hinge profile in the hopes that the mindless scrolling would give me something to do. However, whilst some of us just needed a source of entertainment, something to laugh about with friends, a lot of people finally took dating seriously now that they no longer had the excuse of being too busy.
Some of my friends fully immersed themselves in the world of online dating. Our group chats and weekly catch-ups became something of a war council. We would collectively agonise over the perfect responses and commiserate every time the banter in a conversation died a death. But to be perfectly honest with you, whilst they can be one of the funniest sources of entertainment that we’ve got right now, I’ve never been entirely convinced by dating apps. I know so many successful long-term couples that met on Hinge and Bumble, but all of my dates have been complete duds in comparison. An honourable mention goes out to the Golf Pro that couldn’t stop talking about his golf balls, no putt intended, and the bartender that used our first date as a free therapy session. So, whilst I know that this was the perfect time to finally put myself out there, my interest in the apps faded as quickly as it always does. Because the reality is that dating in lockdown is actually my worst nightmare.
To explain this properly I should start by stating that there are two main reasons why I hate dating apps:
No.1 – The minute I start a conversation, it's like I’ve never had one before. I can barely string a sentence together, which is a big change for someone who is usually never at a loss for something to say. My attempts at banter never hit the mark, and the whole thing is just a headache from beginning to end.
No.2 – I find the idea of telling my future children that I met their Dad on Hinge physically repulsive (and before you judge me, I’ve spoken about this to a lot of friends and I know that they feel the same). If you look past all of the sarcasm, I’m a deep-rooted romantic at heart. But if I don’t meet my future husband in a library, hands touching as we reach for the same book, then I want an IOU for all the hours that I’ve devoted to watching romcoms. (I feel like I should state that this is a joke, I would love to meet a couple that met like this, but alas, I think that I would just settle for the ability to read at this point.)
As I said earlier, for some people this is the rebirth, the Renaissance of online dating. The increased average length of conversations on the apps means that people are finally using them to create meaningful connections. Plus, zoom dates are taking away the need and expense of meeting in person. So, all in all, who wouldn’t love this newfound dating reality that we’ve found ourselves in? Well, look no further because it is I, the Grinch that hates dating in lockdown. I’m one of those people that really struggles to get their personality to come across properly over text. I can’t tell you the number of times that my sarcastic, self-deprecating banter has just come across rude and awkward. I need to meet people in person just so I can establish that I’m actually “funny” and “normal”. So, in addition to all the other atrocities that it’s caused this year (it’s definitely too soon to mention Christmas), Coronavirus has also made my ultimate dating nightmare a reality – the bloody Covidiot!
Another reality of the Coronavirus lockdown was the creation of a sense of urgency when it came to dating. Now that people finally had the time and desire to date, they were putting pressure on themselves to meet someone under some of the most difficult circumstances that we’ve ever faced. I’ve seen so many of my friends throw themselves into potential relationships during this time, and it definitely got the point where things stopped being fun very quickly. But to be perfectly frank, I think that there’s always been an underlying pressure on people to date and be in a relationship. If you think about it there is an overwhelming societal expectation that everyone should be in a pair. In any social situation, one of the first things that you’re always asked is “Are you seeing anyone?”, and you can visibly see their somewhat uncomfortable reaction when you tell them no. I’ve been in this awkward situation countless times, and it’s gotten to the point that I’m starting to have a little bit of fun with it. One of my personal highlights was telling my hairdresser that I was on a year of self-discovery and couldn’t afford to tie myself down to just one person, his face was priceless.
I’ve been single off and on for most of my adult life and considering that I’m only twenty-four this hasn’t really been a very long time. But I’m so tired of having to justify my single status to people who must secretly think that there is something wrong with me. The reality is that long-term singledom for women has always been presented as something unnatural, that there must be something wrong with her. I mean, if you think about it, name one person, one woman that has ever been constructed as a healthy, happy, single female. When is female independence ever celebrated? Who do we have to look up to? As much as I love the undisputed single Queen of romcoms, Bridget Jones, she only ever finds happiness and fulfilment when she’s dating uncharacteristically handsome and successful men. A very small part of me doesn’t begrudge her that, who isn’t waiting for the day that Darcy and Wickham fight over them in a fountain. But all jokes aside, it’s so deeply ingrained into social thought that a single woman is an unhappy woman, an unconventional woman, an unfulfilled woman. When really, I’ve never had a problem with being unattached. I go about my day and honestly thinking about having a boyfriend never crosses my mind, and I was someone that could barely put the phone down when I was in my last relationship.
Another thing that most single people must hear a lot, because I know that I do, is that they’re too picky and fussy when it comes to dating and to be honest, this has never really sat well with me. By framing my decisions as something negative, it’s always made me question whether these people are implying that I don’t have a right to act this way. I know that this is something that is very commonly said and that every time it dulls the shine in your smile a little bit more. But I really want to stress to you, from someone that has a lot of issues, that your self worth should never be belittled and you deserve to be picky. Why should the idea that we only want the best for ourselves and don’t want to settle be constructed as a personality flaw? I’m not sitting here delusional waiting for Harry Styles to whisk me off to the Amalfi Coast, but I’m also not going to date every guy that my friends want to set me up with.
The thought that I want to leave you with this week is that maybe unbeknownst to you, you already possess all of the things that you need to feel happy and fulfilled. When I was planning this post, I realised that in my life I have known an incredible amount of love. From my parents, my family, my friends and because of this love I’ve never felt that anything was lacking in my life. I don’t have a void that I feel I have to fill, and despite what others may say I don’t have to find ways or to fill it. Once you start concentrating on what you do have in your life, rather than what you don’t, you recognise that that is where happiness and fulfilment lies and that you were never lacking after all. I’m sure that this way of thinking can be applied to so many situations, so I urge you to try it!
M x
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