Blue January

I don’t think we ever could have imagined this time last year that our lives would be so far removed from normality for so long.

On Monday I found out that it was Blue Monday, the third Monday of January, which is considered to be the saddest day of the year. I had to laugh because this entire month has felt like Blue January with every day feeling just as sad and depressing as the day before.

I know a lot of people have struggled this month, myself included. I have had a lot to do, but zero motivation to do it, or do anything for that matter. I have always found that leaving things to the last minute gives me terrible anxiety, yet I do it time and time again. Whilst I had planned to leave this habit behind in 2020 it looks like new year, same me rings true again this year. I had always planned to give myself a week off from writing at the beginning of January and that week somehow turned into a three-week hiatus. It has been a real struggle for me to sit down and write. I usually find my writing process incredibly therapeutic; I use it to work through my emotions, to unscramble my thoughts and address whatever issues I've been having. But I think that is probably why I have been so reluctant to put pen to paper over the last few weeks because then I would actually have to address how I have been feeling this month. Which to be perfectly honest, I haven’t had the emotional strength to do.

I remember at the beginning of the second UK Covid-19 lockdown I was listening to the radio. The presenter spoke about how this new lockdown was giving people that had “failed” the previous, a chance to have another go. I find radio presenters annoying at the best of times, but his poorly thought-out statement about lockdown really infuriated me that day. The idea that it was possible to fail at being in lockdown baffled me because I didn’t know that it was possible to be successful at something so unnatural to us. We humans are not solitary creatures. Yes, we need a routine, but we need a break from it just as much. I remember really struggling with the monotony of my newfound routine at the beginning of the first lockdown. Whilst it may have led to the creation of this blog; I didn’t run 5k for charity, I didn’t bake banana bread or finally learn a second language like so many others claimed to. I came out the other side with my mental health somewhat intact. Which I’ve since concluded is the only thing that can be considered a lockdown success.

So here we are in the third UK lockdown. It’s not getting any easier and we’re not getting any more used to it. All of the problems of 2020 have followed us into the new year, which we knew, but secretly hoped wouldn’t happen. I can’t particularly pinpoint why this month has been so difficult. It could be the endless cycle grey dreary days that seem to be over before we know it. It might be that all we can do to fill our time each day is eat, go for a walk and sleep. Or that the four walls of our rooms seem to be closing in on us more and more each day. (Wow, I’m totally not melodramatic at all.) Whatever it may be, it is clear that lockdown is more than likely at the root of it. I have found myself in the deepest funk that I can recall being in in recent memory and not even Bridgerton, the Duke of Hastings or his spoon were able to lift me out of it. I consider myself very lucky that Covid-19 and the subsequent lockdowns haven’t impacted me or my life in any way. However, I don’t think we ever could have imagined this time last year that our lives would be so far removed from normality for so long and I think that is what has made this period so unbearable for us all.

One thing that I’ve really noticed this month is that our time in lockdown has led to what I like to call, "competitive complaining". Whenever I’ve spoken to family and friends, so many people answered, “how are you doing?” with; “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but”, “I know that some people have it so much worse than I do, but” and “I know that I’m lucky to have a job at this time, but”. This pandemic has created this idea that we are no longer entitled to feeling or expressing our negative thoughts and emotions because other people are having a much worse experience than we are. But it's important to remember that everything isn't a competition, especially when it comes to who is having the worst day. So, it’s no surprise that people have been struggling so much this month. As it seems that not only are we trying to process our negative emotions, but also our guilt for feeling them. Everyone seems to be doing some kind of emotional juggling act, and it’s no surprise that it’s been so difficult to maintain.

The thought that I want to leave you with today is that whilst this struggle feels never-ending, it hasn’t all been for nothing. I repeat this to myself like a mantra whenever things are getting too much. I remember on the nineteenth of December, when Boris Johnson told half the country that they couldn’t mix at Christmas, he also said to imagine the people suffering from Covid as being your father, your mother or your sibling. Whilst this is perhaps one of the most competent things that he’s ever said, this isn’t who I think about. The person that I think of when lockdown is getting too much is my best friend, Alisha. She works in a hospital respiratory ward and along with countless others works tirelessly to provide care and support for people suffering from the virus. We will never be able to fully comprehend what this experience must be like and how difficult this time must be for them. So, whenever you’re going stir crazy, whenever you wake up and think, I can't do this all over again, think about why you're doing it and who you’re doing it for. It doesn’t feel so difficult after that.

M x